The 2 weeks.

Since we're doing 1 cycle on Clomid, I'm going to elaborate a bit on what has been going on with that.
I began the medication at the beginning of this month (September), and it is supposed to make you ovulate about 14 days later.  Well, it did. YAY!
But now I go back to the Dr tomorrow to get blood drawn to make sure my Progesterone levels are even high enough to keep a baby inside me, if it does work. Such fun.

So now I'm in that 2 week waiting period, and getting closer to taking a pregnancy test. I never thought that I would be scared and nervous for this.  This is what we wanted, isn't it?  So why am I so afraid of the "what if?" Is this normal for people who are trying?  Or am I just not ready for this?
We have decided that I will take a test on Saturday morning, when both of us are home to be able to see the test results.  Oh, and because my friend is getting married that day, and dammit, I want to know if I can drink or not!

But in this 2 week waiting period, I've been analyzing every temp in my chart.  For some women, their chart will begin to look Triphasic if they are pregnant. Which means that you have 1 set of temps before ovulation, 1 set after, and 1 more set after implantation.  Which is why it's called "tri"phasic.  So of course, I've been staring at my chart on a daily basis, and weeding through it with a fine toothed comb.  It is looking triphasic. It is giving me hope.  It is making me really want to take a test earlier than you are supposed to, but I don't want to take one without S there to look at the results with me.  Because I'm not really sure whether we will cry happy or sad tears, be extatic, or be freaked the F out!. But I'm holding off. I just can't take one yet.

In the meantime, I've been browsing Pinterest for cribs, jogging strollers, what you can and can't eat, things to do/know at the beginning of a pregnancy. Oh, and the estimated due date. Probably shouldn't have Googled that one, but I'm curious and just couldn't hold back. A womens mind goes a million miles a minute, and step inside my brain for one second and you will realize that I am no different. Oh the mind of a woman!

So I've Googled lots of things that I am ashamed of, and would rather not admit to. But that's the mind of a woman who is going through the 2 weeks of "am I, or am I not."

Patience vs Control

S and I are both religious, and we attend church regularly.  Well we have had many discussions about taking matters into our own hands and using medications to make my body work, if we will ever do Invetro to conceive a child, etc. These are all things that have been on our minds for months now, and are conversations we do not enjoy having but know we need to for our spiritual being.

Well as I had posted before, we decided that we will do 1 cycle with medication and see if it works. If it does not, then we know that we will not be doing another round of it for a while. S is also very adiment that he doesn't want to take this decision out of Gods hands, and he doesn't want to play God.

This is something I've had a hard time with.  Thankfully I have a very supportive and religious BFF that I'm able to chat with in this regard, and bring some light to the situation and some sense into my mind.  But it doesn't help with what S thinks and feels about our decisions and options.

This past Sunday we went to church and the sermon really got us both thinking.  The pastor talked about Patience. Then elaborated that many people do not have patience with things and want to take control of situations and have them go their way. To where God has a plan for everyone, and if we just have patience, then it will work out in the way he intended. 

I will be the first person to say that this is entirely me. I want to have control. I want to know what is going on.  Not just with my body, but with anything I have my hands in. Some would say I'm a control freak, but I just consider myself motivated and organized.

During the service, S squeezed my hand and looked at me when the pastor was talking about this.  For many of you couples out there, you know and understand that sometimes it only take a look or gesture and you know exactly what the other person is thinking. Well that was the case on Sunday. I knew exactly what he was thinking, and he's expressed to me his concern multiple times about us taking control of our Infertility situation. We have also had discussions on how far we are willing to go with treatments before feeling that those treatments are "playing God."

Now, S did not know at that time that I had a positive OPK the day before and the day of. We had already um......done the deed.......so there was no backing down on the choice we were making.  But at what point do you begin getting assistance without feeling like you are taking too much control over the situation?  At what point is it too far?  How do you decide to take these medications and then think further on them and not be so sure about it?  Are we playing God and taking too much control over the situation?

What happens when you and your husband do not agree on these decisions?  How do you decide to move forward?

Then there's the last question on my mind.  Why? Why do we have to make these decisions and go through this? Why us? Why can't it just happen for us like it does for others?  I wouldn't even wish these questions or thoughts on my worst enemy.  These are conversations no couple should have to go through, and questions they shouldn't have to ask each other.  You are talking 2 morally sound, religious human beings to make a decision on whether to just trust fate and God, or use the tools God gives you in assisting you get to what you want.

What is this?

As you know, we are in the middle of a cycle with Clomid. Crossing our fingers and hoping that my body reacts to the medication.

My last appointment with my Dr, he told me to take OPK's beginning on day 13 of my cycle. When I get a positive, "go to town." Well after 15 days of my cycle, I got a positive. Never ever have I seen a positive OPK. I've used them a few times when I thought that maybe my body was working, but they had always been stark white negative.  So getting those 2 lines were exciting. Also, never did I think I would be extactic about seeing 2 lines on something you pee on (except a pregnancy test).

Then the next day, my temps confirmed that I ovulated.  Most people do so on day 14 of their cycle, and I was on day 16. But it happened, my body worked somewhat like a normal persons!!!  We also didn't really "plan" sex, but our timing was about perfect.

Now we wait. There's a 2 week window between when you ovulate and when your period comes, or you get a positive pregnancy test. So we just play the waiting game for now, and hope for the best.

But for the 2nd time since getting off BC almost a year ago, we have a fair shot.

Next!

So now is when I'm going to begin jumping around a bit, and quickly get you up to speed.
In May, the diagnosis happened, we said screw it to fully preventing (which we weren't really doing very well anyways), and we decided to let things happen.

In July we decided to have a consultation with the Dr. The 2 of us. This way we could both see what he had to say about my "issues" and answer any questions we both had.  He explained to S and I that it would take us 3-5 years to conceive a child at the rate my body was going at, and that he couldn't guarantee that in that timeframe we would even be able to conceive a child.  It all depended on whether my body decided to work or not.

So I did some research on how to "naturally" regulate my body with PCOS.  Upon my research, there was a diet called the PCOS diet.  Now I was really interested in this, because meds weren't necessarily the direction we wanted to go yet. So why not. I'll give it a shot.  Much to our surprise, it worked during a 90 day cycle. After 72 days of no period, I ovulated.  Our timing with sex was pretty much spot on, and we were hopeful that this could be our shot.  But of course, then Aunt Flow made her presence.  It just HAD to be while we were on vacation too.

Then we were back to square 1 again.  When we met with the Dr in July, he gave me a prescription to Provera to force my period to come, along with a prescription for Clomid. That way we could try a medicated cycle if we wanted to.  He also ordered that I come in during day 3 of my period to get an ultrasound done to see how bad the cysts were on my ovaries.

Well as you read, the cycle I had where we actually had a fair shot to have a child. It was a dud, didn't happen, done.  Of course, we were on vacation when AF came, so I wasn't able to get the ultrasound done, and we didn't want to begin the Clomid prescription without the ultrasound.  So another cycle down the drain.......
After 32 days AF came.  The negative part to this is that it meant I didn't ovulate, and we had no chance to conceive a child.  The positive part was that it meant I could get the ultrasound done, and we had finally decided to give the Clomid 1 shot.

Now, we both were not sure about doing Clomid.  It is a very harsh drug that has a lot of side affects, and if not watched properly, it can cause problems.  But we wanted to give it one chance. See if my body reacts to the medication, and if we can conceive a child while on it.  It also has a higher chance of multiples, but we know that's an issue we are going to face through our journey.

So in September I finally had a period, got the ultrasound done, and began the Clomid.  Of course the ultrasound proved the cysts on my ovaries, and the Dr just asked me how the side affects of the Clomid were.  My response, "Um, so this is the hot flashes women go through at menopause? Because these suck!"  The next set of instructions were to take Ovulation Prediction Tests (OPK's) and time sex accordingly.  Ugh, timing sex. That part sucks. No matter whether you are trying for a child or not.  The minute you put a "purpose" to sex, it is not longer fun. Plain and simple.  This is also something that I never ever wanted.  I had always told S that I never wanted to feel like we HAD to have sex for a purpose.  I just wanted to do it whenever, and if we happened to get pregnant then great. If we didn't, oh well.

Now you're pretty well up to speed.  From this point on it will be further updates and more feelings and emotions during our journey.

So buckle your seatbelt, because this may be a bumpy ride.

Options

So after the diagnosis of PCOS, it caused S and I to have some long and in depth conversations.
With having PCOS it means that I do not get a period every 28 days like a normal woman.  It can be anywhere from 28 days, to every 6 months, or never.  Without a period, that means you don't ovulate. Without ovulating, you can't get pregnant.
The options my Dr left me with was to either not worry about it and every 3 months call in to receive a prescription that makes my period come, or begin fertility drugs to make me ovulate and begin trying for a child.
The 2nd option would mean that we can't just "see how things go." Which was what we originally wanted to do.  We wanted to have that fun time of just trying for a child without schedules, timing, planning, medications, etc.  This isn't what we planned, isn't what we expected, and isn't how we wanted to make the decision to have a child.  But we knew we needed to make a decision. We are financially ready to have a child. Mentally, we know children are something we want, but we wanted to have that choice of no longer preventing and just try. Not have to go head first into fertility treatments. That's right....Fertility Treatments.  Not just sex. Not just "baby making." Not just "seeing how things go."  Instead it will be planning, temping, charting, trying to predict ovulation, taking medications that have a lot of side affects, and going through the emotional toll of not knowing if any of it will ever work.
Short after the diagnosis in May, we decided to just let things be and hope maybe it can happen. After a few months we will possibly look into the next steps, but in the meantime if God wants to grace us with a child. Then great. We can afford it, we want a child, but it will no longer be on our timeline.  It will be on the timeline of my body and the fertility treatments.

Diagnosis

So you are now up to speed with what my body is doing, and how we picked out the Dr.  Now onto the diagnosis.
The Dr had prescribed me a medicine called Provera that will force my period to come. Then on the 3rd  day of my period I was to get some blood drawn.  Now, for many of you women out there you realize that this could be a bit interesting. #1 you never know when Aunt Flow is going to grace you with her presence.  #2 most Dr's offices only do lab work M-F. #3 I would now have to give my work 2 days notice about a Dr's appointment since it would be during work hours.
Mind you, I work in a very small office and everyone knows everybody's business.  You say you have a Dr's appointment, then you play 20 questions...."Is everything okay? Are you alright? Is there something you aren't telling us? If you need anything please tell us."  So, AF came on a Sunday, which meant I had to go in on Tuesday to get the tests done. It also meant telling my boss on Monday that I would be coming into work late on Tuesday (due to fasting before the blood draw).
So yeah, 7 viles of blood later, the testing was done.
A week later, it was time to go in and go over the results. Like many Dr's, if the results come back okay, then will have a nurse call you and let you know everything was clear.  If it doesn't, then they call to say the results are in and you have to go in to discuss the results.  Of course, that was the case with me.
The diagnosis: High testosterone level = PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome).
Here's the Wikipedia description:The principal features are (1) anovulation, resulting in irregular menstruation, amenorrhea, ovulation-related infertility; (2) excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones, resulting in acne and hirsutism; and (3) insulin resistance, often associated with obesity, Type 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol levels.

Sounds fun, right? Acne, male hormones, obesity. Great.  With a side of no period and infertility.